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Suri Cruise must have been away from her post at the front door of the spaceship yesterday when Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie slipped out looking like a Miller’s Outpost circa 1978 died on top of their bodies, because she would’ve never ever let them go out like this. Suri definitely would’ve made a few changes.

Katie shouldn’t be the one wearing those 70s mom jeans. They belong on Tommy! I mean, those jeans are so long that the waistband would slip right over Tommy’s titties. Aren’t you puckering from every hole just thinking about Tommy strutting his shit in a denim tube top jumpsuit while wearing those heels?! He’s so YOO HOO is right!

Following in the off-key notes of Jo De La Rosa (of The Real Housewives of OC), Kim Zolciak (of RHOA), and Countess LuMann (of RHONYC), Danielle Stubbyvag of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is trying to take the iTunes charts by storm. On Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night, Danielle and openly gayelle singer Lori Michaels sang a duet together.

Based on her nauseating speaking voice, you would think that Danielle’s singing voice would make Grandma Wrinkles’ queefs sound like the second coming of Celine Dion, but honestly she wasn’t that bad compared to LuMann and Kim. However, watching that monster of fugness sing is the real horror show. Bitch looks like Greta Gremlin! If you stare at Danielle long enough, your eyeballs will become as deformed her tits.

The best part of this mess is the fake smile plastered on Andy Cohen’s face. The Bravo overlords need to upload a different facial expression onto his hard-drive so the poor thing can show us the pain he’s feeling inside from sitting that close to Danielle’s face.

After her performance, Danielle tried to make it seem like she’s scissoring with Lori. Yes, serve me more plates of bullshit on Kim G’s wide ass forehead, Danielle. Please, Danielle isn’t a lez. She’s a fameasexual. Bitch will lick on anything if it gets her a blurb in Star Magazine.

Above is a picture of Helen Mirren from New York Magazine looking like she got caught going pee pee in the tub. It’s like her urethra is sending her brain a message like, “I’m not dooooone.” And after the jump below is a picture of a topless Helen Mirren in the tub. But before we go there, let’s read some quotes from Helen about her new movie Love Ranch (where she plays the madam of a pussy peddling emporium) and other things.

If you look at Helen’s nipples without reading the quotes, everyone can point at you and call you a PERVY PERV. But if you read the quotes first, you get college credit. Or something like that:

Helen on wanting to be a bad bad girl: “I’m a would-be rebel—the good girl who’d like to be a bad one. It’s true! I haven’t grown out of that, have I? I’m still the good girl who wants to be a bad girl. But I’ll never make it as a bad girl … I’m not a prude or a moralist and I never have been, but I’m too fearful, too much of a wimp, really.”

Helen on what she said when the director of the movie (who is also her husband) asked her to spend the night in a brothel: “I said, ‘Read my lips: I’m not going to spend a night in a brothel.’”

Helen on what she learned after she gave in and spent the night in a brothel: “It’s amazing how quickly you get into dildos everywhere and pink-feather handcuffs. Within an hour you’re completely used to it.”

Helen on psychotic whores: “Susan Austin [the Mustang Ranch’s real madam] said you had to be tough, because maybe you do have 25 psychotic whores. A lot of them come from very dysfunctional backgrounds, and women together like that can be very dangerous.”

Helen on female celebrities bringing ho shit to the forefront: “I’m thrilled young girls are claiming their sexuality for themselves. I love bold women: Madonna and Scarlett Johansson—sexy and gorgeous, but not only that. And Miley Cyrus—fantastic! And Lady Gaga. I love the way she’s elevated pop to performance art, or dragged performance art down to pop, or maybe made a wonderful amalgam of the two.”

I’m going to wash out the thought that Helen Mirren thinks Miley Cyrus and Lady Caca are “fantastic” with her nipple-infused bath water. After the jump is the NSFW of Helen Mirren in the tub. Since we usually only see 20-something titties around here, it’s nice to finally look at some well-seasoned chichis. Chichis who have seen some shit! Chichis who can write their own memoirs! Anyways, enough of my rambling. Open the bathroom door and JUMP!

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This is a new portrait of Lisa Bonet’s current fuck time partner Jason Momoa in the remake of Conan the Barbarian, which also stars Rose McGowan and Ron Perlman (aka the red wire and blue wire on a bomb).

You know, every time someone Googles “Jason Momoa shirtless” a satellite in space sends a jolt to my b-hole, so why am I not flicking my nipples to this picture of him? There he is, topless and flexing his BT (before Tweezers) brows, but not a tingle can be found on my body.

I know what it is. It’s that scraggly weave on his head made from the remnants in Brit Brit’s shower drain. That weave is cock blocking me! I realize that they didn’t have Sally Beauty Supplies back in the day to buy shampoo from, but damn! The grease is supposed to go over his nipples, not in his weave! Arnold knows what I’m talking about:

via Coming Soon

Another relationship that was born in ABC’s bowels and pushed out of their asshole has been flushed down the toilet for good. Since the love affair I’m about to start with this Pop Tart sitting next to me will last longer than most Bachelor relationships, this is the direct opposite of surprising. But since pretending is fun, add another drop of butter to your cream cheese bagel (I know how you do) and just tell yourself you’re drowning your sorrows in melted fat. I mean, you might as well get something out of this shit.

People confirms that Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi of the most recent season of The Bachelor have quit each other. A spokeswhore didn’t give a reason for the break up, but they said this: “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time.”

When Jake got on one knee and proposed to Vienna Sausage during the season finale of The Bachelor, I punched myself in the face for actually watching that fake shit. And then I figured it would only be a matter of seconds before Vienna Sausage was pawning that ring off in a shop off the highway in Florida somewhere so that she could use the cash to pay for her third nose rotation. While I do think it’s a good idea that she sell that shit right away, bitch needs to use that money to fix her jacked-up wonk eyes instead of getting more plastic surgery.

Seriously, the Haylie Duff of Florida looks like an alley mutt with two little hot dogs dangling before her. One eye is trying to focus on the hot dog on the right, and the other is trying to eat up the one on the left. No wonder these two lasted as long as they did. Vienna couldn’t clearly see him checking out other pieces of ass.

Caught on film: Jessica Simpson’s last two brain cells fighting for air. – ISprainedMyUvula

Runners-up:

While the rest of the world focuses on separating conjoined twins, leave it to the Chinese to invest millions of dollars for research into Twin Fusion, hoping it would help solve their overpopulation problem. – VirtualBooby

Today’s match sponsored by the letter H as in Hyperextension, Hernia, Headache and where the Hell are your Huevos – Sweetas

Kirstie Alley in the fight of her life for the last Oreo. – lifeislikecake

(Thanks Kate)

This week on home video, we’ve got Matt Damon doing action and uncovering a conspiracy under the guiding hand of director Paul Greengrass, and no, we’re not talking about a certain spy who lost his memory. Then, we’ve got a dumpy-guy-gets-hot-girl rom-com starring Jay Baruchel, a tearjerker featuring Edward Cullen himself (Robert Pattinson, that is), and an indie flick about a famous Russian author. If older stuff is what you’re looking for, maybe a cult classic on Blu-Ray, or a popular animated TV series waiting on its first big-screen adaptation? Whatever your bag is, maybe you’ll find something to put…

This week on home video, we’ve got Matt Damon doing action and uncovering a conspiracy under the guiding hand of director Paul Greengrass, and no, we’re not talking about a certain spy who lost his memory. Then, we’ve got a dumpy-guy-gets-hot-girl rom-com starring Jay Baruchel, a tearjerker featuring Edward Cullen himself (Robert Pattinson, that is), and an indie flick about a famous Russian author. If older stuff is what you’re looking for, maybe a cult classic on Blu-Ray, or a popular animated TV series waiting on its first big-screen adaptation? Whatever your bag is, maybe you’ll find something to put…

Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet” won’t be out for months, but the team behind the movie — including Rogen, director Michel Gondry, and producer Neal Moritz — sat down for a Q&A recently.

Seth Rogen’s “Green Hornet” won’t be out for months, but the team behind the movie — including Rogen, director Michel Gondry, and producer Neal Moritz — sat down for a Q&A recently.